Horoscopes 2016 | Surgo

Horoscopes

Our resident ethereal, mystical and astronomy obsessed Vector takes us on a white-knuckle ride through the Milky Way and beyond…

Taurus

April 20 - May 20

The stars have aligned. You will be propositioned by a Jeremy Hunt look-alike, but you regrettably deploy an effective and swift punt to the c**t. Control your anger, Taurus.

Gemini

May 21 - June 20

An umbrella will be your best friend this month. Purple rain is forecast.

Cancer

June 21 - July 22

The Andromeda Galaxy is a whirl of turbulent bliss. Stay away from doorknobs and soft furnishings. Also wear a hat.

Leo

July 23 - August 22

Look out for pot-holes, loose drain covers, and open stanks*. You will fall into a sink-hole soon but you’ll meet your true love at a Nelly Furtado concert the following night. Aaaand like a biiiird you wanna get laid.

Virgo

August 23-September 22

The stars have aligned. You will be propositioned by a Jeremy Hunt look-alike, but you regrettably deploy an effective and swift punt to the c**t. Control your anger, Taurus.

Libra

September 23 - October 22

The odds have been stacked against you recently, but this month the scales will tip in your direction – you’ve gained weight.

Scorpio

October 23 - November 21

Fortune favours the drunk and Uranus is feeling lucky.

Sagittarius

November 22- December 21

A hot young doctor will give you an intimate examination – look, listen, feel.

Capricorn

December 22 - January 19

Join a drugs trial to pay for your elective. Jupiter’s moons will see you through: you can’t fight the moonlight.

Aquarius

January 20 - February 18

The planets have aligned and Venus is in your orbit. You may come into financial luck or misfortune: buy a lottery ticket but watch your wallet.

Pisces

February 19 - March 20

Brunch saves lives – so can you.

Aries

March 21 - April 19

Like Pluto, you’ve been accepted then rejected then declared as a dwarf planet. But fear not, three lefts do make a right.