The Art of Queueing
All the greatest places in the world have queues that have to be navigated: Wimbledon, Alton Towers, The Rungrado 1st of May Stadium (Pyongyang) and of course Thursday night MedChir events.
We’ve all been there; It’s 8:00pm on a dreich Thursday evening, you’ve just paid one of MedChir’s beautiful committee members at the door of one of MedChir’s wonderful events and you’re buzzing to get your ‘bev’ on. You push through the heavy oaken doors of the GUU’s dining room only to find that there’s a massive horde of already inebriated medics blocking your way to your refreshing pint of (free) Tenants that’s waiting for you behind the bar. Damn! Say hello to the mildly alcoholic medic’s worst enemy – the infamous MedChir beer* queue.
After spending the majority of my Thursday nights over the last 3 years scheming to beat the MedChir drink queue, I feel I am in some sort of position to impart my years of wisdom onto the next generation.
I present to you my handy 5-point guide to effectively navigating the drink queue on Thursday nights.
Bring your best medic small talk, after spending hours of my life being asked what “placement are you on?”, “how’s your PBL getting along?”, “Have you picked your elective yet?” I’ve developed expert answers to these rather intrusive and downright mundane questions. My advice to you would be to point blank refuse to talk anyone asking any medicine related questions. Instruct the overly zealous medic speaking to you to long arm their pint in retribution of their dire medic chat and slide swiftly past them. One person closer to your pint of T.
As you step past the dripping wet gunner and closer to the gloriously smooth Tennant’s awaiting your lips, you may be lucky enough to bump into a certain Mr D.P.H Orr. Mr Orr is a bit of an institution within MedChir. The enigma that is Desmond Partick Hamilton Orr will keep you occupied for hours on end with his witty stories and highly stimulating intellectual conversation. Born circa 1987 in Lisbon (Portugal) to Bangladeshi immigrants he soon developed a very particular set of skills that led to him being selected to sing backing vocals for Keane’s eponymous album. He currently spends the majority of his time baking cakes for his weekly cake stall outside the QM (#wehavemorecakes), driving his reverse only right-hand drive diabetic screening van around Partick (providing an invaluable service to the community) and caring for his ileostomy. Go on, indulge him – it’ll probably be one of the best conversations of your hour.
Much like our brave boys and girls in the Gulf (petrol station), one may begin to experience queue fatigue. It is vitally important to fight this, as queue fatigue is responsible for over 87 deaths per year globally. One’s mental alertness must be maintained in order to remain safe. Use techniques and simple mind games such as ‘spot the non-medic’, calculate the mass (in g’s) of one mole of Calcium [40 (at room temperature and at one atmosphere – obviously)] and work out the total number of gingers in the Greater Glasgow area. Remaining compos mentis is of utmost importance to any serious Tennant’s fan.
Another very important point to take note of is the highly slippery floor which develops just shy of the bar. This will be probably one of the most dangerous sections of your queuing experience. It is highly likely some juiced up rugby lad will have carelessly spilt his Vitamin T all over the GUU’s precious Siberian Spruce floorboards. Tread lightly as one foot misplaced could land you on a gurney and a 6-hour wait in the Western. My advice would be to purchase a sturdy pair of deck shoes to keep you upright (www.sebago.com have a great selection).
By far the best way to handle the queue at MedChir events is to get your hands on one of the elusive yellow t-shirts that the committee wear. Once you’ve pulled on one of the fabled yellow garments you’ve entered a state of near god-like serenity. The ground you walk upon will be worshiped by the masses, you will be loved and adored by anyone you meet, but best off all – you’ll yellow t-shirt gives you one major advantage – you’re allowed to pour you own pints #privatemenbersbar #notinmyunion. This renders the entire queue irrelevant. There’s no pushing, no small talk, no flirting and absolutely no waiting, just pure, uninterrupted pints.
Enjoy your pint of golden goodness, but just before you sink your lips into the taste of heaven ask yourself this; hocine bibo aut in eum digitos insero?
Live long and prosper,
by Daniel Rhodri Taylor-Sweet
The man from the historical capital of Wales (?Ludlow) has a keen interest in craft sausages, danger-can and rolling up the sleeves of his t shirts